NY Daily News Blind Item
Which Oscar nominee, briefly linked with a top model, is infamous with one ex-girlfriend for once suggesting an intimate act that involved a vacuum cleaner?
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First of all...eeeewwww, second of all Leo?
ReplyDeleteB Girl
Richard Gere??
ReplyDelete-K
terrance howard linked to naomi campbell
ReplyDeleteTerrance Howard?
ReplyDeleteLinked to Naomi Campbell?
Don't want to belive it, though, even though it's my guess. I love TH.
Kim--
ReplyDeleteGreat minds think alike!
it cant be leo...his relationship with both gisele and bar would not be "linked"...that would be more of a fling...
ReplyDeleterockdiva
i know i am just happy i figured something out
ReplyDeleteMark Wahlberg, he's dated both Rachel Hunter and Kate Moss
ReplyDeleteLeo Leo Leo.
ReplyDeleteAlthough, on second thought, to each his own. I've heard of much, much worse.
ReplyDeleteI'd much rather my favorite stars be a little kinky with consenting adults than have a taste for the kids or be a total skeeze some other way.
Marky Mark is a good guess, too! And TH has been married for a while, even though they have been off and on and briefly divorced. I love MW, too.
ReplyDeleteWouldn't that turn your uterus inside out? ;-)
ReplyDeleteLeonardo DiCaprio (Bar R.)
ReplyDeleteEdward Norton (Linda Evangelista)
Johnny Depp (Kate Moss)
ReplyDeletebrendalove that made me laugh out loud! Wasn't this scenario in a movie? Where the guy asked a girl to use the vaccum on him? Or was that a Darwin Awards winner? I get confused sometimes.
ReplyDelete-T
Sylvester Stallone
ReplyDeletestallone is a winner, not nominee
ReplyDeleteAnon 10:22 - I just checked the database at Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences and see that Sylvester Stallone was nominated for leading actor and writer, and lost in both categories.
ReplyDeleteHe's still in the ring (pardon the pun).
sorry not to join the guessing game (i suck) but i'd like to add that i once saw a documentary on men who'd had their, er, members, destroyed... and about 5/8 of the stories all started with 'well, i bought a used vacuum...' hopefully this guy was lucky enough not to use the old kind, aka the kind with a metal fan blade.
ReplyDeleteEditor's Note: Despite her family's money, her family's lawyers, and her fellatio skills, Paris Hilton is going back to the slam. Our own Dr. Hunter S. Thompson, Chief of our National Affairs Desk and a veteran of many corruption scandals, reports.
ReplyDelete"The scum always rises."
-Richard M. Nixon
Paris Hilton lay on her steel bed, quivering and shivering. She had the shakes, bad. Her herpes had erupted in a bad, pestilent rash all over her thighs. Her withdrawal symptoms were bad and getting worse. She recognized the feeling. Bad flu symptoms and the herpes eruption. She knew that soon the bile would begin to rise. She thought she saw flying wombats coming at her from the window on the door of her cell.
Nice thoughts, nice thoughts. She tried to concentrate. A big, fat turgid penis entering her valtrex vagina. Fat cocaine rails lining the top of the steel toilet in her cell. Paul Allen floating her a thousand dollar bill for a blowjob.
It wasnt't working. Her thighs itched uncontrollably. She'd scratched the herpes eruptions until they bled, and still the damn things itched. She's ducked off everyone from the arresting officer to the guards to the trusty, and nothing had worked. Daddy had to come through this time.
"Behind every great fortune lies crime."
-Voltaire
Rick Hilton paced his family room, impatiently. He knew there had to be a way to spring Paris. He just hadn't thought of it yet. Kathy had sucked him off three times that morning, and yet no inspiration. He was stupid, but he knew how money worked. There was always someone to bribe to get what you wanted. It was, he thought, the American way.
He grew angry when he thought of Howard Weitzman. Asshole was supposed to be the best connected lawyer in LA, he thought, and all I got for his 250K fee was a limo ride to court. Bastard didn't even know how to bribe someone in the DMV so that Paris could keep her license after her DUI. It's all his thought, Rick thought. Goddamn Jew lawyer. Maybe the new Jew lawyer will come through, mused Rick.
The phone rang. Rick answered it. Answered prayers. The deal would go down tonight. He had the cash for the Sheriff. Paris knew what she had to do.
"I only get my rocks off when I'm dreaming..."
Jagger/Richards
Lee Baca, LA County Sheriff, slapped some Old Spice on his testicles. He thought he was dreaming. Yesterday, he was a middle aged lump taking bribes to take care of traffic tickets in order to fund his divorce and gambling debts. Tonight, he was going to take in a hundred grand in cash. And Paris Hilton was going to suck his cock. He wanted his testicles to smell nice for her. He slapped some more Old Spice on his balls.
He put on his trousers and started out the door. Suddenly, he stopped. Cunt has herpes, he thought. Better bring a condom. Looking into his wallet, he realized that his wallet condom had been in there so long that it had left a ring on the outside of his wallet. Got to stop at a convenience store to get a rubber, he thought.
"To live like an outlaw, you have to be honest."
-Unknown outlaw biker
Rocky Delgadillo, LA City Attorney, put the phone down, and smacked his lips. Baca was going to spring Paris Hilton, he thought, and the dumbass wasn't going to share the love. He smiled. I'm gonna fuck him up bad, he thought. He picked up the telephone and called Judge Sauer.
"I shot the sheriff..."
Bob Marley
Superior Court Judge Michael T. Sauer slammed the phone down. Goddamn it, he screamed. He kicked the wall. He was sick of this shit. Everytime some celebrity punk got caught driving drunk, he tried to punish him as if he was Mr. John Q. Public. And every goddamn time he did, that fucking sheriff took a bribe and let the celebrity go. And the asshole never spread the wealth, either.
This time was going to be different, Sauer thought. Delgadillo was a shitty lawyer, but he was fucking ambitious. Since he was a shitty lawyer, Sauer was going to have to write the papers that Deladillo had to file with his court as soon as possible after Paris Hilton was sprung. But Delgadillo is a sneaky shit, thought Sauer. And all he has to do is file them. Sauer smiled. This time, I'm going to fuck Baca up.
"C'mon, Sweet Virginia,
Got to scrape that shit up off your shoes"
Jagger/Richards
Home, sweet, home, thought Paris. She knelt down before Sheriff Leroy Baca, unzipped his polyester pants,and pulled out his turgid, but small, penis. Ugh, Paris thought as she licked the head of Sheriff Leroy Baca's cock. Old Spice. I can't believe this lameo put Old Spice on his cock. I haven't seen that since I was fucking guys in a West Hollywood apartment for one Benjamin Franklin. She giggled.
Paris engulfed the Sheriff's turgid, yet small, cock and he gagged. Damn, he thought. So this is a celebrity blowjob. Feels damn good. Then he blew penis snot all over Paris's tonsils.
Thank God, thought Paris. She gulped the Sheriff's sperm down, and quickly tucked his nasty little penis back in his pants.
"Breaking rocks in the hot sun
I fought the law and the law won"
Eddie Cochran
"Whatdoyamean, she has to go back to court?" Rick Hilton thundered into the telephone receiver. "What about my hundred grand? What about Paris sucking his cock?"
Rick slammed the telephone receiver down and looked down at his wife, Kathy, who was naked and kneeling before him, Rick's cum splattered all over her face. "Goddamn it," he told Kathy. "Fucking Jew lawyer. We paid off the wrong guy!"
"I bet there´s rich folks eating in a fancy dining car
they´re probably drinkin´ coffee and smoking big cigars.
Well I know I had it coming, I know I can´t be free
but those people keep a movin´
and that´s what tortures me..."
Johnny Cash
Judge Sauer was pissed. "Where is that sleazy cunt?" he roared from the bench.
Sheriff Baca timidly said "I told Paris she could phone in. She, you know, has all that press, you know, in front of her mansion. I could barely get out of there last night without being seen - oops."
Judge Sauer turned bright read. "Get that cunt in here NOW or I will send you to jail for so long that your asshole will be as big as a European train tunnel when the homeboys get through with it," he screamed as Sheriff Baca pissed himself.
"Hang down your head, Tom Dooley
Hang down your head and cry
Hang down your head, Tom Dooley
Poor boy gonna die."
-Traditional folk song
Judge Sauer stared at Paris Hilton as she stood before him in his court. Stupid cunt, he thought. I'm going to mow you down like a rabbit on a freeway during rush hour.
"Order, order," he said, banging his gavel. "I suppose you think I should let you remain free and under under house arrest?" He smiled as Paris erupted in a small cry and started sobbingly. "Trust me, bubelah, that will happen on a cold day in hell," he whispered. Paris started wailing out loud. What a stupid cunt, he thought. Who in earth would want to fuck this bitch? She's got man hands, a wonky eye, and a Valtrex vagina.
He looked directly at Sheriff Baca. "Hope you caught herpes from this slut last night," he leered. "if not, you're going to catch it where you're going. I find you contemptible and in contempt of court, and I order the Los Angeles District Attorney to investigate you for bribery. Something's rotten in Los Angeles, and we're going to pour sunlight on the scum and let it die." A large pool of urine formed at Sheriff Baca's feet.
Blove- Hee hee- it's to be used on him, not in her. But think of the vacuum bag contents after. Ewwwwwwww.
ReplyDeleteX
Leo, Leo,Leo
ReplyDeleteWhat's up with 10:38. I'm not reading all that. It's annoying.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous @ 10:50 said...
ReplyDeleteWhat's up with 10:38. I'm not reading all that. It's annoying.
-----------------------
Whatsamatta? Short attention span?
The same post was yesterday (I assume the same, I didn't read it today once I saw what it was). This person has a serious axe to grind...as soon as you see which post it is, just ignore it, assuming they continue to grind that axe!
ReplyDeleteLeo wqasn't briefly linked to a model. He was with Gisele for years and he's on/off with Bar.
ReplyDeleteKim, I love your Terrence Howard guess. He was with Naomi for like a month and the poof, NOTHING. Very niiice.
Wassup with the trashy Paris novel posted above. We get it, you're creative.
Tracee
LEO LEO LEO
ReplyDeletecould it be someone who dated tyra banks? seems odd that it says "top model" instead of "super model" or something like that.
ReplyDeleteAnon, 12:09
ReplyDeleteI thought that was weird too. It could be John Singleton, he was nominated for 2 Oscars awhile back. Maybe he like the suck action of the ole' vaccuum hose.
Tracee
10:38 is awesome!
ReplyDeleteA+ for creative writing!
DeNiro was also with Naomi years ago. When she broadcast it, he dumped her.
ReplyDeleteLos Angeles has a City Attorney - no DA here.
Juju
Bravo, Anon 10:38!! That was fabulous!
ReplyDeleteSmooches
Leo DiCraprio
ReplyDeleteSurely not Johnny Depp who was linked with Kate Moss for a spell? Maybe she needed the hoover for all the coke when her nose finally gave out?!
ReplyDeletewhat about Dijimon Honsou? He's been breifly linked with Kimora who has done multiple seasons of Top Model, including (I believe) a finale?
ReplyDeleteMia