AP Is Very Very Sneaky

So I had a long phone call with AP on Thursday night. The reason for the call was that I told her I saw pictures of her getting out of my SUV all over the internet last week and I don't want the paps to trace the license plate back to me. She was very apologetic and I'm a sucker so I forgave her. She asked how she could make it up to me. I kept my mind out of the gutter and said something to the effect of I wanted her to go with me next time there was a company function because my boss has a huge crush on her. She said she would. We started talking about my boss and how he has been bitching about money and billable hours. Every year around tax time I hear the same crap and it grows old. I told her that on Friday I was going to be forced to go to lunch with my boss and get to hear it all non-stop for a couple of hours and that I was seriously thinking about calling in sick.

I then brought up the internet pics again and she said she hadn't seen them because she doesn't read gossip blogs. She said it's bad enough seeing your face on the cover of a magazine. There was no way she was actually going to take the initiative and go to a blog just to find more pics or stories about her. She refuses to do one of those picking up an US Weekly or some other tab just to get her pic in them. She thinks it's a stupid thing to do. Now, in the same breath she also said that if there is a story about something she's really interested in, she will look at one just like anyone else. Makes sense in a weird kind of way.

Anyway. She asked where I was going to have lunch and I told her. Friday morning I went to get my car and it was gone. Didn't we just talk about this? I called AP and got voicemail. What was going to be a bad day anyway was going to be much worse for one simple reason. My boss hates driving when he has someone to drive him. He likes to feel important and this is accomplished by me or some other subordinate driving him whenever we go somewhere together. So, at lunch time I had to tell him that he needed to drive. Not a good expression on his face. Definitely was not going to get a raise at lunch. So we get to the restaurant and it goes exactly as planned in my mind. We need to cut back. He's so poor. Thinking of cutbacks, etc. This despite the fact that his car would pay for the salary of two paralegals for a year.

So I have my head down while eating. Just mumbling an occasional uh huh every couple of minutes. Then I hear her. She is with a girlfriend and walks right up to our table and says to my boss, "that is the most incredible suit. Don't you think so____________? Where did you get it? Do you work out?" Just three or four minutes of the most Oscar worthy flirting in the history of flirting. My boss is bright red and is just mumbling and stuttering. He just doesn't know what to say, but AP has it covered. She asked him if SHE could take a photo with him. He almost passed out right there. AP just totally ignored me. Pretended she didn't even know me. She gave me her cell phone to take the pic and as my boss leaned in she gave me the greatest wink since Susanna Hoffs told me she wasn't busy one night, at least not yet. ( Another time. Another story.) After the photo, my boss finally asked if he could have one with her and AP actually sat in his lap. She then got up, and while pointing at his wedding band, told my boss that it was too bad he was married. Then, she was gone. Just like that. No more talk about work from my boss. He spent the rest of lunch sending the photo to everyone he could think of and just would not stop smiling.

Thanks AP. Even though you won't read this you're forgiven. Of course it would've been nice if you told me that my car was at the restaurant BEFORE it closed. Airplanes are no excuse. There are such things as airports where that type of notification can be done.