Surprise! Gotcha babes, didn’t I? You probably think this Vice is gonna be about some sexually repressed, hugely successful TV sitcom actor from the '90s who got caught servicing some random model in the walk-in closet of some Hollywood mansion, right? Well, for a rare change, this little walk-in wondering you’re about to experience is not about fellating some random fella, sorry.
Nope, this sordid story’s about something quite grotesque and hideous. Have you eaten yet? No? Then please, close this item, go get sustenance, wait at least 20 minutes (maybe 30) and then, only then, give things another try.
Ya see, Ellen DeGeneres’ canine catastrophe is chopped liver compared to today’s Blind job. First off, our source is one of the myriad personal employees reporting to one Slurpa Pop-Off, the bitch who serviced that dude in the bathroom of that Sunset Strip eatery, if you remember, and we’re sure you do.
Now, many times our lady of the Slurpa has brought a brand-new pooch home as a new pet, which she fawns all over until it dawns on the dummy she’s now in charge of a living, breathing animal—and not a stuffed Pound Puppy. And, gosh, responsibility is not our go-to girl’s strong suit. Therefore, upon leaving her house, she often locks these pups in one of her many closets, supposedly to prevent them from making messies all over her expensive pad.
But, uh, sometimes SPO would be gone for hours…days…weeks…and not tell anybody about the dog in its wardrobe dungeon. The animal’s existence would simply slip from her mind! Oh, doesn’t that happen to everybody? While cleaning the house, Pop-Off’s staff have—reportedly more than once—opened a closet to discover a tiny, dead dog.
Beyond hideous. I swear, I may have to out this bitch. But Pop-Off’s employees just may have beaten moi to the punch, as animal services have been alerted.
And just why the hell is this woman still allowed to purchase pooches? Please neuter and spay your pets, otherwise their offspring might one day meet their maker in Slurpa’s closet captivity.