Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Birthday Wishes To Oprah



Dear Oprah,

Yesterday was your birthday. I don't know how I forgot to say anything about it yesterday. I know that birthday wishes after the fact just aren't that great unless accompanied by a present. But at what point does a late birthday gift actually become a gift gift. You know the kind that can be kind of awkward between people because there really is no reason other than sucking up to give that gift. Kind of like when Jessica Seinfeld gave you all those shoes. It wasn't your birthday then, although since you are almost God-like I wouldn't put it past you to have two birthdays each year. See, she could have called them an early birthday present. It is much easier to pull of a two month early birthday present than a two month late birthday present. If you get earlier than two months, than the givee can forget that they have already received a gift, and then feel like they were shafted by the person until they are reminded of the early birthday gift.

Speaking of gifts, have you ever met Gift Clement. She is a truly inspiring role model for women. From what I can tell she has made it through a terminal illness unscathed, escaped hundreds of attempts on her life by greedy relatives, was married to some prince or rich guy who called himself a prince, and is now helping the unfortunate in India. I can't believe you have not had her on your show yet. She is someone every woman can admire and respect. I think she is probably much more worthy to have a television show and magazine than Rachael Ray. I know, I know. You like Rachael, but just between us, Dr. Phil is on his way out isn't he? I think you are still holding a grudge that he got you back together with Letterman. Well, I think that if you need Dr. Phil to do something until his contract with you runs out, you could ship him off to South Africa and have him be the Headmaster at your school. He could give those girls advice all day long. Might be good fit.

Speaking of good fits, what did Steadman give you for your birthday? Probably not a whole hell of a lot after you kept him out of your will. You really shouldn't make that kind of stuff public because you never know what he will do to you one night while you are sleeping. I know he would have to get by Gayle who can be like a guard dog, but still, please, please watch your back. I have met Steadman a few times. He is a quiet guy, but those are the sneaky ones.

Anyway, you can give my gift to charity, or do whatever you like with it. I know it isn't as good as the guy who did the gold tomb thingy for you, but frankly, I don't have that much time. Enjoy the Charlie perfume and the box of chocolates. Just ignore the Merry Christmas on the box of chocolates. They are gold baby.

12 comments:

califblondy said...

EL, okay where's my alimony check? We must have been married at some point. I recognize a pattern with the cheap ass birthday presents.

YahMoBThere said...

This Oprah entry seems rambling and doesn't make much sense, but I get the hate.

I'm shocked she left nothing to Steadman in her will. This is the first I'm hearing about this. She's been with him for 20 years and leaves him nada? What a bitch!

Anonymous said...

Maybe Stedman has his own money and doesnt need hers. I think just likes to make a spectacle of where her money is going, because she wants people to know how much she has.

That being said, I hate Oprah enough that my letter would read you like this:


Dear Oprah,

I hate you so much that I cant even stand to spend anymore time writing a hate letter to you.

Sincerely,
Fuck You.

takeme2espana said...

Who in the hell makes their will public at this juncture in their LIFE? Those things don't LEAK out..der? So the ass kissing fiesta may begin? geesh.

bramblewitch said...

Hilarious! Thanks ent. All you have to do is mention Gift Clement and I can't stop laughing. They must be wondering what I'm doing around here at work. Oprah, meh.

noel said...

Heeheehee...

Thanks ENT!!

This is the one of the many reasons why I read this site nearly everyday.

On another note, perhaps Dr Phil could stage an intervention on Gift's family and make them all realize the importance of family etc since they too are rich and (not so) famous.

And yes, I do believe it will only be a matter of time until we have those lovely 24 carat Oprah statues hidden under the audience seats...

Anonymous said...

Ent: charlie perfume. perfect touch. :)

littleoleme said...

Man, I cannot stand this woman or her glassy eyed, do-anything-Oprah-says audience.

Tracee said...

Littleoleme, you got a point.

She should go the route of Ron Hubbard. Imagine how big her legion would be. Then they could chase people through the streets with her book of the month, and Christmas would no longer be Christmas, but Oprah's Favorite Things Day and everyone would be forced to submit gifts and those who don't will be forever shunned.

[shudder] Great I gave myself nightmares with that one.

weezy said...

Tracee, you've made me start wondering if Oprah's eggs were harvested and are cryogenically preserved somewhere......

Dick Insideu said...

Dear Oprah,

Yesterday was your birthday. I could have cared less. I hate you because you're responsible for, among other things, Star Jones, Dr. Phil, the Oprah book club, passing, and the horror of a fat ghetto momma being on television daily.

I bet Steadman didn't give you a good fuck today. I bet Steadman doesn't even like to fuck you. I bet he closes his eyes and dreams of Whitney Houston when you're chomping his chunk. If it wasn't for Gayle, you'd never have sex.

So Oprah - go to hell.

takeme2espana said...

Tracee...you were SO right!? Did you hear she's going to be preaching/teaching over the internet for several weeks to the flock? omg- you called that one!

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