I can't believe I still go to the orthodontist- the same one I have been going to since I was a teenager, with a cowboy mural on the wall and cartoon reminders about appointments and aides who wear basic pajamas with “T”-is for tooth, “B” is for brush, “F” is for floss” uniforms. I am not a good patient, my dog eats my retainers, I'm always out of town and sometimes I just have better things to do. But, every six months or so, I head back into the office and get stared at by bewired kids. “Mom, why is that woman in my chair?” With all my anti plastic surgery propaganda, I am doing the same cosmetic crap to my appearance, but it's just more accepted to unbeguile your smile.
I got home from my appointment to grab my swimsuit and a cup of coffee, but while I was aerolatteing my milk,I saw a new pipe installed outside. Wondering what my deranged landlord was up to now, I scampered outside and the pipe started slithering! I Skittered back inside, grabbed my camera and a chair and started snapping away. It probably whored itself into my yard for the media attention- not shy at all, and I was getting some great shots, when it RATTLED!
I couldn't believe it. Rattlers are these engorged creatures with huge rattles- I've seen them a million times in the hills where I grew up- this bastard was way too skinny to be a rattlesnake! Guess there are fewer comestible rodents in my neighborhood, so now I was in a bind. Do I stay still like with a tyrannosaurus in Jurassic Park, or make a run for it. According to The Discovery Channel, I was already well within striking distance, and it writhed ever nearer. It was just then that my cowardly dog decided to make a heroic effort and bounded in the yard. I scooped her up, ran into the house, locked the sliding door and screamed for my life.
Then I went to the internet and Googled 'California Rattlesnake,' recognized those diamonds and entered a renewed shrieking frenzy. Every time I pulled back the curtain and peered out, he was still there, having taken up permanent residence under the planted stick that used to be an avocado tree until said dog decided she hated avocados, trees, and flora in general and ate it. I would throw the curtain back and yelp and shudder a little until I got up the courage to look again. I wanted the snake to leave so the dog could have the yard back, so I started throwing things at it, and then slamming the door closed.
Finally it left, and I got back up on the chair and sprayed the hole it went into with the hose. I don't know if that will work, but what do you do in that situation? Have the animal removed? Fill the holes with cement or Snake-B-Gone? I wanted to chop its head off and spear it on a popsicle stick to warn any other fork tongued fiends not to try anything rash, but at heart I'm a coward.