Went Wednesday morning to meet with National Lampoon. I love comedies. I hate how we're losing all our freaking comedians to the I Have To Win An Oscar Competition. Jim Carrey, you're funny. What are you doing? Tom Hanks, gone. If Will Ferrell starts doing dramas, I'll take him out myself. Which brings me to another subject:
The Gun Range.
I picked up my friend Tuesday, fat, bald, 65, you know the guy, and I noticed that he only has one eye. I didn't want to ask because he seemed very embarrassed about it. The reason we took my car was because his socket was on the right, and he was trying to hide it. I started laughing, but mumbled something about low blood sugar.
Let's talk about her car shall we? ZX has a very nice convertible, and she said we should take her car so she could put the top down. I asked her if she was going to be embarrassed to be seen with me with the top down, but she said that she wanted to see the fat on my cheeks jiggle in the wind.We cruised around Santa Monica and Venice looking for a patio eatery.
She makes it sound pleasant and Southern Cali-ish, but in actuality it was a thirty minute terror ride because ZX has a goal to never come to a complete stop. So, she is sitting there weaving in and out of traffic, hair blinding her, open purse in her lap and checking her cell phone every five minutes while swerving, cussing, chatting, and looking amazingly beautiful all at the same time.
Finally, we sat ourselves down at a seafood place.
We were seated next to a man celebrating his 36th anniversary and his spectacular eyebrows.
We gorged ourselves on seafood and rolled away in pursuit of firearms.
We decided to share a few things because ZX was concerned I might have a heart attack. The problem is that when you share food with ZX you have to be really quick. Like lightning. Most women in Hollywood just pick at their food. ZX has a whole different game. She really only eats one meal a day and so when she eats, she's hungry. She was simultaneously using chopsticks from our appetizer and a fork to attack two plates at once. Her only pause was when she distracted me long enough to take a shrimp off my fork and put it on hers. When you look at her, she just smiles like an innocent angel and you realize that you maybe had two bites of food but really just don't care.
We ended up at The L.A. Gun Club and my friend asked, "Have you been here before?" I said "Yes, but it's not like they'll recognize me or anything." We walk in, the guy says, "You've been here before."
I'm guessing they don't get many women coming in who are wearing dresses and four inch heels to come fire guns.I shot a Smith and Wesson .357 Revolver, but was shaking so badly as I do in all life and death situations that I was only able to puncture the spleen, lung, (twice) liver, spinal column, heart, and cerebellum.
They actually had all those organs labelled, and for all you non-gun people, the paper targets are the outline of THE BACK of a man's head,which I think is in pretty poor taste.
I on the other hand shot some type of Beretta with a clip. Well, I had never fired a gun before and it takes some getting used to. I kept trying to load the clip and was having a tough time with the safety and cocking the gun. There were three gentlemen there from a local gang who stopped laughing long enough to help me many times. They also offered to help fire my rounds while also staring non-stop at ZX's legs. When she had a problem emptying her revolver, they practically killed themselves to help her. Meanwhile, they let me look into the barrel to make sure there were really no more unfired bullets. A note to those of you going to fire guns. It seems that if you are having a problem with a gun, the people at the counter appreciate it if you don't come over to them waving the gun and complaining about it at the same time. Something about gun safety which was mumbled as they were all taking cover beneath the counter.I'm getting the different colored heads framed, though, like a twisted Andy Warhol. We managed to bring home an intact target which I'm going to use as a Pin-the-Tail-On-The-Corpse, at my pinata Enchilada party, as soon as I can get my house clean. Gonna have to have a Home Day soon because it's really getting out of control. I blame getting ready too fast. I have this view of myself of a fashion goddess who would look good in a gunny sack. So I layout what I'm going to wear, look in the mirror, scream, and tear my whole house to pieces looking for items I've loaned or do not own in the first place, and end up panting in a $5 dress.
I went to the rehearsal for the film and the director is so tickled to have me doing such a tiny role that he won't shut up about it. "Thank you, ZX, We're so honored you decided to do this movie, ZX!" And I told him "Chill out. I'm really looking forward to working with you. Now you'd better write me an Assassin movie for real next time," and he said "Okay."
I went to the Fashion District to pick out Coachella clothes from Miss 60, and the outfit the lady had selected looked like infant Osh Kosh B'Gosh overall cutoffs that I couldn't get one leg into. They really have a shorts fetish which is fine as long as you are:
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Well I was trying to make a list of people who look good in shorts but I couldn't come up with anyone. Maybe Cameron Diaz but even Nicole, I think, wears shorts to make her look beefier. If you have a "donkey butt and some big 'ole legs," you get the double bubble no matter what size it says on the label. Shorts? Sheesh.So I tore outside to Los Angeles Street for the $10 fashions- see? I splurged- and was very impressed by their racket. They don't put any mirrors in the fitting rooms so if you want to see your reflection, you must strut it in the main cabin of the store where they've hired a personality to tell you how"AMAZEEEN!" you look. One girl was so boisterous, I bought myself a strapless dress without "an eighth of the bod to fill the freaking bust up." -Sammy Baker Davis Jr.
Maybe Elyse Walker could use their customer service tips but one of you already pointed out that I probably bought those shoes to prove to that bitch that I could afford to shop there. Which is 100% true and I was sweating profusely under the sheep's hat, hoping I actually had that much money in my checking account when they ran my card. In all honesty, I got some lovely pieces from Miss 60, one dress in particular that No Pants might consider. It said it was a shirt on the label, but with some tugging and coddling, looks rather bodacious. Drove to my new best friend's house and we spent three hours gossiping and eating a five pound barrel of chocolate covered popcorn. Then I went to the gym.
*If this seems boring it's because it's the second time I've written it. The first time got erased, and I swear, I with the elbows and self awareness of a gosling or three year old, I have destroyed a fraction of the things that my computer has. So bear with me. I was so livid, ENT said "Remind me never to make you mad," and I think I might have hung up on him.
In full disclosure, she hangs up on me frequently. Honestly, computers drive her mad when something goes wrong. ZX is a world champion cusser and her favorite thing in the world is to yell at me for five minutes using every possible word combination that can realistically go with F**k and then hang up. She then just goes back and redoes what needs to be done. Most people would just say forget it and that's why ZX along with many other reasons is truly amazing.
I know that I don't post that many photos of Benji Madden, BUT, every time I do it looks like either someone died or he got kicked in the beans.
